How to Talk with Your Children About Sex

Expand All +

• +-

  Why Do Children Need to Know About Sex and Sexuality?

  Understanding sexuality helps kids cope with their feelings and with peer pressure. It helps them take charge of their lives and have loving relationships. It also helps protect them from sexual abuse — and from becoming sexual abusers.

  Home can be the most meaningful place to learn about sexuality. We can help our kids feel good about their sexuality from the very beginning. Then they will be more likely to trust us enough to ask questions about sex later on in life.

  Young people are less likely to take sexual risks if they have

  • a positive view of sexuality
  • information that they need to take care of their sexual health
  • clarity about their own values and an understanding of their families’ values
  • self-esteem and self-confidence
  • interpersonal skills, such as assertiveness and decision-making abilities
  • a sense that their actions affect what happens
  • a connection to home, family, and other caring adults in their community, school, or religious institution

• +-

  When's the Best Time to Start Talking with My Children About Sex and Sexuality?

  It's best to start as soon as children begin getting sexual messages. And they start getting them as soon as they're born. Children learn how to think and feel about their bodies and their sexual behavior from things we do and say — from the way we hold them, talk to them, dress them, teach them the words for their body parts, give them feedback on their behavior, and behave in their presence.

  But don't worry if you haven't started yet. It's never too late. Just don't try to "catch up" all at once. The most important thing is to be open and available whenever a child wants to talk.

• +-

  How Do I Start a Conversation About Sex and Sexuality?

  Some parents look forward to talking with their children about the wonders of human reproduction and human sexuality.  But many find it difficult to talk about important topics like relationships and sex and sexuality. The good news is that, if we pay attention, we can find many everyday moments in our lives that can prompt conversations about these topics:

  • Our favorite TV show may feature a character going through puberty.
  • Our neighbor or friend may be pregnant.
  • Models in print ads or on billboards may make us think about and question our own bodies and body image.

  Some parents call these “teachable moments.” Take time to recognize the teachable moments that give you opportunities to talk about sex and sexuality with your child. Spend a week or so noticing how topics you‘d like to discuss come up in your family’s everyday life. Think about what you might ask your child about them to get conversations going. And think about your own opinions and values about these topics, and how you can express them clearly to your child.

  After you’ve thought about what you want to say on a subject, use the next teachable moment that comes up. The first few times you do this, children may be cautious and ask, “Why do you want to know?” Or they may search for an answer they think will please you. It may take several tries before you can speak comfortably together. The following tips may help you and your child learn to talk more easily with each other.

  Some Conversation Starters Sometimes asking your child a question is a great way to open up a conversation. Here are a few questions you might ask: YOUNG CHILDREN Do you know the names of all your body parts? Do you know why girls look different than boys? Your aunt is pregnant. Do you know what that means? PRETEENS People change a lot during puberty. What have you heard about the changes of puberty? How do you feel about going through puberty? At what age do you think a person should start dating? Have any of your friends started dating? Do you think girls and boys are treated differently? (If yes …) How? TEENS How have you changed in the last two years? What do you like and what do you not like about the changes? At what age do you think a person is ready to have sex? How should a person decide? At what age do you think a person is ready to be a parent?

• +-

  What If I’m Uncomfortable Talking About Sex with My Kids?

  Don’t let fear get in the way. Being open and available about subjects such as sex and sexuality can be challenging. Some common fears that many parents have are

  • Looking dumb. Many of us weren’t taught about sex and sexuality, yet we may feel that we should know all the answers. But if our children ask us about something we don’t know, we can simply say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”
  • Feeling embarrassed. It’s very common for parents or children to feel embarrassed when talking about sex and sexuality. The best way to handle it is to admit how we’re feeling — we can simply say, “I might get a little tense or uncomfortable during this conversation, and you might, too. That’s okay for both of us — it’s totally normal.”
  • Encouraging sexual experimentation. There is a myth that information about sex is harmful to children and that it will lead to sexual experimentation. The fact is that our children won’t be more likely to have sex if we talk about it. In reality, kids who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to postpone having sex.
  • Feeling as though talking won’t make a difference. Children look to their parents to teach them about sexuality. Most young people prefer to hear about it from their parents than from other people. In fact, young adolescents place parents at the top of their list of influences when it comes to their sexual attitudes and behaviors.

• +-

  What Should I Tell My Children — And When?

  Children have different concerns about sex at different ages. They also have different abilities to understand concepts — and different attention spans. If your five-year-old asks, “What is birth?” you might answer, “When a baby comes out a mother’s body.” If your 10-year-old asked the same question, your answer would have more detail, and might begin, “After nine months of growing inside a woman’s uterus …”

  Preteens and teens often spend a great deal of time wondering if they’re “normal”. We can help them understand that it is "normal" for everyone to be different. In fact, the most important lesson we can share with our kids is just that — being different is normal.

  When deciding how much detail to give, parents can rely on what they already know about their child’s level of understanding. Reading about what children need to know at different ages could help you decide what is age-appropriate. Reading tips for talking with your children about sexuality and how to answer their questions also may be helpful.

  One thing is for certain — if a child is old enough and knowledgeable enough to ask a question, the child is old enough to get a truthful answer. Children with developmental delays and disabilities also deserve truthful answers in language that they can understand.

  Tell your children what you believe in and why. Share your values with them. Many studies show that teenagers are affected by their parents’ values.  When parents share positive feelings about birth control, adolescents are more likely to use birth control if they have sex. When parents have negative views of teen pregnancy, teenagers are less likely to give birth.

  Take time to understand your own values, feelings, and beliefs. Find a friend who will listen and help you get clear about what you think and feel. Never pretend that your values are facts — for example, “You can’t trust men when it comes to dating,” is not a fact, it is a value. Your children will understand that, and they will stop listening to your values and stop trusting your information.

  Remember that children learn by observation, so how you express yourself non-verbally is just as important as what you say to them. For example, showing them affection with a warm hug or kiss sends the message that you are open and value the closeness that you share.

  Try not to just talk with your child about the potential negative aspects of sexuality — like sexually transmitted infections. Talk about the positive aspects — like intimacy, mutual respect, sexual pleasure, and health benefits of sex, too. For example, you can talk about the thrill of falling in love with your partner.

• +-

  Where Can I Get More Information About Talking with My Kids About Sex and Sexuality?

  If you want more help talking with your child about sex and sexuality, try talking with your partner, someone in your family, a friend, a trusted religious adviser, or a counselor. You may also find a list of resources for parents helpful.

  Planned Parenthood educators may be able to help you find resources in your community.

  Sex Education in School Schools can play an important role in teaching kids about sexuality — even when parents are doing a good job. Medically accurate school-based programs allow kids to get facts about sexuality develop and think about their attitudes and values about sexuality learn and practice skills, like how to talk about sexuality with their peers get answers to questions that they may not want to ask at home Parents can play an important role in advocating for effective sexuality education in their children’s schools. Learn more.